Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
