I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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