Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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