ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
