I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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