All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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