I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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