yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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