im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i will never coherently bang her
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
