I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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