Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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