Please, let me fuck your mom
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
