I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
