Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
