We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
