My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Im part way to drunk.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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