god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
