she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend