If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.