and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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