My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
