I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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