i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
