just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
