so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
