i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
