Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
