We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.