I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
