I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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