I was born with a shot glass in my hand
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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