There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
