Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
