Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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