dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
