I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
