Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shitshow foam night was such a success
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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