Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
