Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
