I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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