I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
why do cheetos always look like penises
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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