she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
