Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you bring me the toilet please
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
