Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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