Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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