I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
