Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
