Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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