Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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