I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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