I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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