Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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