I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
