This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
