Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
